


King of the Gays

by thewriterofperfectdisasters



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Accidental Dating, Gallavich Gift Exchange 2014, M/M, accidentally quoting shrek 2???, no idea how to tag this, very very very light angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2014-12-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 17:21:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2701070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewriterofperfectdisasters/pseuds/thewriterofperfectdisasters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian Gallagher was, simply put, a gift from the God Mickey had long since given up hope in. And it was probably for this reason that after God knows how long of not wanting to be with anyone else, that Mickey’s ability to recognise flirting was completely and utterly off the mark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	King of the Gays

**Author's Note:**

> so this is possibly really crap, and i know that because i quoted shrek (again - jfc). title is also shitty. 
> 
> Written for [beautiful-ruiner](http://beautiful-ruiner.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr as part of the Gallavich Gift Exchange 2014, who prompted Mickey accidentally going on a date, and it's not with Ian.

Mickey had never really been super into sex until Ian. It was more of a chore to stick it in a girl, because at its most basic level, it was either fuck chicks, or risk looking gay in his father’s eyes. Yeah, he had “acquired” a bunch of toys, but they were used only marginally more often than Mickey had an actual dick up his ass, and that was to say, quite infrequently.

So when Ian came along with his convenient bootycall spots, magic dick, and the ability to keep his mouth firmly closed on the subject of where that dick _went_ , it was a blessing in all its ginger glory. Mickey  never really considered the option of being in a long term fuck buddy commitment with a _guy_ because he never really thought it would be possible to find one who would give it to him the way he liked, and not only that, but also be willing to do it on a regular basis for the foreseeable future.

Ian Gallagher was, simply put, a gift from the God Mickey had long since given up hope in. And it was probably for this reason that after God knows how long of not wanting to be with anyone else, that Mickey’s ability to recognise flirting was completely and utterly off the mark.

 

* * *

 

Eight years down from their first hook up (because _of course,_ Ian remembered the exact fucking date), Ian and Mickey were living in a respectable part of Chicago, with respectable jobs, living respectable lives.

It was weird how domestic they had become. Usually they went shopping for groceries together, but Ian was doing something at the gym that required him to work late – he said something about someone calling with a need for an emergency session with a personal trainer? – so Mickey was left at a loss about what to do for grocery night. It wasn’t like he was incapable of going by himself, he just didn’t really like it. He only had two other options: get over himself and go grocery shopping, or find a replacement for Ian.

Naturally, he decided on the latter.

‘’Sup?’ Mandy answered cheerfully. ‘How’s my favourite brother?’

‘Alone on grocery night,’ Mickey grumbled. ‘You busy?’

‘What? No.’

‘Good. I’m coming over in five minutes,’ Mickey said, swinging his coat onto one arm. ‘You’re coming shopping with me.’

‘Oh really? What do I get?’ Mandy asked.

‘The pleasure of my company.’

‘Nope.’

Mickey huffed. ‘What do you want?’

‘McNuggets.’

‘Fuck off.’

‘Fine, I’ll settle for... two tubes of Pringles and some of your _good_ weed.’

‘Deal. Get your coat, dear, we’re leaving.’

‘Please never quote Shrek at me ever again,’ Mandy said bluntly, ending the call.

‘Rude bitch,’ Mickey muttered, grabbing his keys and wallet, and heading out his front door and across the hall to Mandy’s apartment. He knocked on the door and stared at it expectantly as he waited for it to open.

‘Asshole,’ Mandy greeted as she opened her door.

‘Douchebag,’ Mickey returned. ‘By the way, it was _Shrek 2_.’

Mandy rolled her eyes as she stepped outside and shut the door. ‘Whatever. Where’s Ian?’

‘Working. Otherwise I wouldn’t have called you,’ he mumbled, as they went down the three flights of stairs.

‘Aww, you miss him.’

Mickey narrowed his eyes at her. ‘Fuck off.’

‘It’s cute!’ Mandy insisted. ‘And by that I mean I want to throw up.’

‘Good for you.’

Mandy grinned and continued to chatter into his ear about how happy she was about Ian and Mickey’s being together, until they were entering the grocery store. Mandy was finished up a spiel about how nice it was that they had a mostly functioning relationship as Mickey got a cart and walked away from her, off to get the selection of vegetables Ian had written on their shopping list.

‘Mickey, can you not walk away from me while I’m talking to you?’ Mandy cried in exasperation, stomping towards him and flicking him in the head.

‘Can you not tell me things I’ve heard five hundred times before?’ Mickey said, mocking her tone. ‘Get me a zucchini or something.’

‘I don’t know if they’re in season, Mick.’

‘The fuck do I care? Get a green thing.’

‘Lettuce?’

‘Sure.’

Mandy nodded and wandered off to a different array of vegetables to find Mickey’s requested lettuce, leaving him to ponder over a display of tomatoes.

Mickey had no fucking clue what he was looking for in the tomatoes, so he continued to stare blankly at them until Mandy would come back, because no doubt _she_ would know what the fuck he was looking for.

‘Need any help?’ someone behind Mickey asked. ‘You look a bit lost.’

‘Yeah, I, ah...’ Mickey turned to see the person who had spoken. ‘Tomatoes,’ he finished lamely.

The blonde young woman blinked and her face broke into a smile. ‘Mickey Milkovich?’

‘Yeah?’

‘You don’t remember me?’

‘Should I?’

‘Karen Jackson? We went to school together.’

 _Oh. Obviously._ ‘Right. Yeah. Karen. You dated Lip Gallagher for a while, right?’

Karen shrugged. ‘Something like that.’

Mickey nodded and turned awkwardly back to his tomatoes. ‘So, uh.’

‘What are you looking for?’ Karen asked, peering over his shoulder.

‘Cherry tomatoes.’

‘You want the little tiny ones, then,’ Karen pointed. ‘You seem kinda different to how I remember you.’

‘Oh really?’ Mickey rolled his eyes and dumped a pack of the tomatoes in his cart, before walking towards the carrots.

‘Yeah, you’re kind of... mellow, I guess.’

‘Mellow? Fuck off,’ Mickey huffed, dumping a bunch in with the tomatoes. He steered his cart towards a display of mushrooms (something else Ian insisted upon) and hoped that Karen would leave him the Hell alone. Despite the brief moment when he had asked her out when he was about fifteen, he had always found her to be annoying.

‘No, I mean...’ Karen sighed as she caught up with him and started filling up a bag of white button mushrooms. ‘You seem less violent. You’ve really grown up since I saw you last.’

‘I was a pretty short kid, so...’ Mickey trailed off and read his list to see Ian had written in underlined capitals _“PORTOBELLO MUSHROOMS!!!”_ , so he got a paper bag and started filling it, trying to cram more than five of the enormous fuckers in the same bag.

Karen laughed and gave Mickey a look that said, _“Oh you!”_ before she launched back into conversation. ‘So how are you?’

‘I’m, yeah. Ya know. Fine.’

‘That’s good! You doing anything over the next few nights? I would love to catch up with you,’ she said, biting her lip and raking her eyes over him while he had his back turned to her.

‘Uh, sure. I guess,’ Mickey said awkwardly. That would be polite, right – to go for drinks with an old school mate, even though he found her kind of annoying?

‘Great!’ Karen beamed. ‘When suits you?’

‘Uh... Thursday?’

‘Okay, cool. Thursday at the Alibi? Around seven sound good?’

‘Sure.’

‘Mick, they had about nine different kinds of lettuce,’ Mandy said loudly, appearing behind Karen and throwing a lettuce at him. ‘So I just went for the classic iceberg.’

‘Thanks, douchebag,’ Mickey said, catching the lettuce and dumping it in his cart with the mushrooms, carrots, and tomatoes.

‘Oh, wow, Mandy,’ Karen said, turning around to see the youngest Milkovich sibling behind her. ‘You’re...’

‘Not pregnant? Not in jail?’ Mandy rolled her eyes. ‘Believe me, I’m surprised too. Mick, snacks aisle. You promised me Pringles.’

‘Yeah, yeah. Okay,’ Mickey said, flipping her off as she stalked away towards the snacks.

‘So I’ll see you Thursday?’ Karen asked, drawing Mickey’s attention back to herself.

‘What? Right. I should go before Mands spends my entire fucking budget on shit I don’t need.’

Karen laughed. ‘No, that’s fine. I’ll see you Thursday!’ she called, as Mickey went off and rounded the corner out of her sight.

Mickey found his sister staring at the shelf of Pringles, apparently pondering over which flavour to get. ‘You want barbeque.’

Mandy turned and gave him a look of disgust. ‘No,’ she said, taking two tubes of sour cream and onion off the shelf and putting them into the cart. ‘Why were you talking to Karen fucking Jackson, of all people?’

Mickey shrugged. ‘She appeared out of nowhere and pointed out the cherry tomatoes.’

‘You don’t know what cherry tomatoes are?’

‘Fuck off, Ian picks out all his fucking health shit.’

‘Uh huh,’ Mandy grinned. ‘You two are so married, it’s ridiculous. What’d she want?’

‘Drinks. She wants to “catch up” or something.’

‘Thought you hated her?’ Mandy asked, tugging Mickey and the cart off to another aisle.

‘Yeah, I do.’

‘So why the drinks then?’

‘Ian has a thing and I’ll be bored out of my fucking mind.’

‘Uh huh, that I’d believe,’ Mandy grinned.

Mickey narrowed his eyes at her and drove his cart into her hip as she walked ahead of him. ‘Fuck off.’

 

* * *

 

In hindsight, it was probably a really bad idea to agree to go for drinks with Karen, because here was Mickey walking into the Alibi and catching a glance of her sitting in a booth, beer in front of her, three inches of makeup slathered on her face, and a top that was so low-cut, Mickey wasn’t even sure it _counted_ as a top.

He was halfway through thinking to himself that it was a bit odd she was wearing that kind of thing, until he recognised exactly what it was – God knows he had seen the exact same thing on Mandy enough times.

That was the universally acknowledged uniform of members of the Dick Hunting and Conquering Squad.

 _Fuck. Okay. Gotta be mature about this._ Mickey wondered if he still had enough time to escape before she saw him and pretend like he forgot about the whole thing, but that was quickly cut short after he saw Karen grinning at him from her seat, as she readjusted her top to expose more of herself. How was that even possible?

‘Hey!’ Karen called, smiling as Mickey sat down in the booth. ‘I got you a beer.’

‘I don’t drink,’ Mickey shrugged.

‘Really? You used to drink like you were dying of thirst.’

‘Yeah, well. Shit happens,’ he muttered, signalling to Kev for his usual drink of juice or coke, or whatever else he had floating around behind the bar.

‘You’ll have to tell me _all_ about it,’ Karen said, sidling closer to Mickey on the bench.

 _Oh God._ ‘Sure. You wanna give me a bit of space here?’

‘Sorry,’ Karen murmured, not moving an inch.

‘Jesus Christ.’

‘Hey, Mickey, how you doing tonight?’ Kev greeted, bringing Mickey a bottle of gingerbeer.

‘Great, thanks for asking,’ Mickey replied, taking a swig of his drink and really wishing he could break his vow of “no alcohol” that he’d made in solidarity with Ian. Surely he would understand if Mickey broke that right now, seeing as it appeared he had accidentally gone on a date with Karen.

Actually, Ian wouldn’t mind if he broke the no alcohol rule – he’d said it was fine plenty of times – but he would laugh his fucking ass off when he found out about this.

‘Uh huh,’ Kev grinned as he walked away trying not to laugh. ‘Sure.’

‘So, what’s new with you?’ Karen asked, blinking slowly at Mickey. Probably due to the weight of her mascara.

Mickey shrugged and pulled his phone from his pocket after feeling it go off with a text.

 

**_From: Gingerass_ **

_hey babe x meeting got cancelled. u at home? i'll bring pizza :)_

Mickey let out a deep sigh of relief and quickly replied to Ian’s message.

 

**_To: Gingerass_ **

_at alibi. help._

**_From: Gingerass_ **

_omg babe u ok??? i'm on my way!_

**_To: Gingerass_ **

_im fine im fine! i’m on a date??_

‘Mickey? Are you hearing anything I’m saying?’ Karen asked loudly, waving her hand in front of his face. ‘Earth to Mickey?’

‘What? Yeah, got it all.’

 

**_From: Gingerass_ **

_u fuckin what_

**_To: Gingerass_ **

_my flirting sense is off!!! she said “catch up and drinks” so fuck u this isn’t my fault_

**_From: Gingerass_ **

_...“she”?_

**_To: Gingerass_ **

_karen_

**_From: Gingerass_ **

_karen who_

**_To: Gingerass_ **

_jackson_

**_From: Gingerass_ **

_ohhhhhhh my godddddddddd mick what the fuck :L_

**_To: Gingerass_ **

_A C C I D E N T . just hurry up and come save me_

**_From: Gingerass_ **

_yeah okay :L im 5 away. see u in a few._

‘Mickey, I swear to God, what the hell is more interesting on your phone than me?’ Karen asked, rolling her eyes and grabbing out for Mickey’s phone.

‘Ay, fuck off,’ Mickey said, yanking his phone from her grasp. ‘I feel fucking ambushed right now.’

‘What? Why?’

‘This is a fucking date.’

‘Yeah, and? You never said you had a girlfriend.’

‘I don’t.’

‘So what’s the problem? Even if you did, it wouldn’t be a problem. I know you’ve wanted to fuck me since we were fourteen,’ Karen said, biting her lip suggestively. ‘And you got hot, so...’

Mickey rolled his eyes and chugged the rest of his drink, despite having over half a bottle left. ‘Shit changes, Jackson.’

‘Oh yeah? Like what?’ she challenged. ‘Don’t even pretend you don’t still want me, because I can see right through you.’

‘Jesus Christ,’ Mickey muttered again, shoving the heels of his palms into his eyes.

‘My God, look at that boy,’ Karen murmured, looking at the door. ‘Shame he’s gay.’

‘What?’ Mickey asked, snapping his head up and turning round to see Ian standing there.

‘Oh, shit. Not gonna beat him up, are you?’

‘Ian?’

At the sound of his name, Ian turned towards Mickey and Karen in the booth and his face broke out into a grin. He strode to their table and stood at the end, tucking his hands into the pockets of his jacket. ‘Hey, guys. Didn’t know you were back in town, Karen.’

‘Yeah, my mom’s birthday is coming up, so I thought I would come see her for a few days,’ Karen explained. ‘Uh, you know Mickey, right?’

‘You could say that,’ Ian shrugged. ‘Been fucking him for eight years.’

Mickey burst into laughter as Karen’s eyes widened. ‘Fucking smooth as ever.’

‘It’s true. Get your ass up, we’re gonna be late for dinner.’

Mickey frowned as he slid out of the booth. ‘Thought you said we were getting pizza?’

‘Changed my mind. Fi invited us for pasta, or something.’

‘Wait, are you guys seriously fucking?’ Karen interrupted, looking incredulously between them. ‘Mickey’s like, the straightest guy there’s ever been.’

Ian snickered. ‘Nope. Definitely not. He’s almost gayer than I am.’

‘Un-fucking-likely. When I get up on stage in a gay club in bootyshorts and eyeliner, letting some sad old queens get off on a General Patton fantasy, _that’s_ when I’ll give you a call to let you know I’ve taken over your throne as King of the Gays,’ Mickey muttered.

‘Excuse you, it was more like Seal team six,’ Ian corrected.

‘Ay, there were camo shorts involved, I don’t give a fuck.’

‘Uh huh,’ Ian said, nudging his shoulder into Mickey’s. ‘Dinner?’

‘Yeah,’ Mickey nodded. ‘Dinner.’

‘Hate to interrupt, but we’re in the middle of a date, here,’ Karen said, raising her eyebrows at them in a way that demanded she be noticed.

‘We got a date somewhere else,’ Ian replied, wrapping one of his hands around Mickey’s waist. ‘If you’ll excuse us.’

‘Mickey’s _not_ gay, and your act isn’t fooling anyone.’

‘Jesus, you don’t get the hint, do you?’ Mickey asked. ‘I don’t wanna fuck you, and if that’s so difficult for you to get your head around, you needa look up the definition of “gay” in the dictionary.’

Karen narrowed her eyes. ‘You should be so lucky as to fuck me.’

‘Nah, I’d probably catch something,’ Mickey shrugged. ‘See ya, Kev.’

‘Bye guys!’ Kev called, nodding at the pair as they made their exit from the bar.

Karen watched them leave in disbelief. ‘Kev?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Is he actually gay?’

‘Who, Mickey?’

‘Yeah, I mean...’ Karen trailed off.

Kev shrugged and said loud enough for the rest of the bar to hear. ‘Hey, everyone? Mickey Milkovich gayer than a rainbow shitting unicorn?’

‘Yeah,’ the bar chorused.

‘There you have it,’ Kev confirmed. ‘His coming out is probably on YouTube.’

Karen blinked. ‘Didn’t see that coming.’

‘That’s because no one bothered to look at the little things. If anyone bothered to look, you all would’ve see it coming a _mile_ away,’ Kev said. ‘I did.’

 

* * *

 

As Mickey and Ian left the bar, Mickey was silent. He didn’t really know what to say, because what had just happened? Thankfully, it was Ian who broke the silence – by laughing.

Mickey lifted his head and slowly turned to look at the giggling redhead. ‘Ian?’

‘Mickey, I’m so sorry. It’s just... That was hilarious,’ Ian grinned.

‘What?’

‘You were just... sitting there. Like a murderous deer caught in headlights. Funniest thing I’ve seen in months.’

‘You’re not mad?’ Mickey asked in confusion.

‘Why the fuck would I be mad?’

‘I went on a _date_.’

‘Yeah, with _Karen Jackson_.’

‘So?’

‘Mickey, unless she spontaneously managed to grow a dick, there’s no way in Hell you meant to date her,’ Ian tightened his arm around Mickey’s waist and pulled him tightly into his side. ‘Of course I’m not mad.’

‘What if it wasn’t Karen? Or any other chick? What if I accidentally dated a guy?’ Mickey asked, looking up again and watching Ian’s expression twist into thoughtfulness.

‘I dunno, Mick. I’d probably be kinda pissed, but I know you wouldn’t mean it seriously. I don’t think, after everything we’ve been through, that you would just... leave. Date some random guy. It’s not your style,’ Ian shrugged. ‘You love me too much.’

Mickey nodded, content with that answer. ‘Yeah, I do.’

Ian smiled and kissed Mickey’s hair. ‘Okay, now pick up the pace a bit or we’re gonna be late for dinner.’

‘But it’s just pizza, right?’

‘Nope, we’re going to have pasta with Fi and the rest of my darling siblings.’

‘Oh, I thought you were joking.’

‘Definitely not. When have I ever joked about Fi’s pasta?’

‘Good point.’

 

* * *

 

Mickey had been hoping Ian wouldn’t announce to his entire family what had happened with Karen, but of course, that would’ve been too good to be true.

‘So, guess who’s back in town?’ Ian asked, once everyone was seated at the dinner table.

‘No idea. Who?’ Fiona replied.

‘Karen Jackson.’

‘Karen Jackson?’

‘Mhmm.’

‘Ian,’ Mickey murmured. ‘Don’t.’

Ian grinned and continued talking. ‘Mickey went on a date with her.’

‘What?’ Debbie frowned. ‘When? Were you like, fourteen?’

‘Nope. It was... about half an hour ago, would you say?’ Ian asked Mickey, trying and failing to keep control of his laughter. Again.

‘Half an hour ago?’ Fiona asked, eyebrows raised as she put the dish of pasta on the table.

‘Yeah, I, uh...’ Mickey grabbed a piece of garlic bread and shoved it in his mouth, effectively cutting himself out of the conversation.

‘He thought it was just drinks, Karen had other ideas,’ Ian explained. ‘Poor baby looked like a vengeful Bambi watching his mother die when I arrived to save him.’

Mickey scowled at Ian and elbowed him in the ribs. ‘Don’t be a dick,’ he mumbled through the bread. ‘Wasn’t.’

‘Please,’ Ian rolled his eyes.

‘Well, I’m sure it was quite traumatic,’ Fiona said, smiling at Mickey. ‘Karen can be quite...’

‘Slutty?’ Ian offered. ‘Yeah. Lip got her to suck me off to see if I was actually gay.’

The Gallaghers paused with forks halfway to their mouths. ‘Excuse me?’ Debbie said.

Ian shrugged. ‘For the record, I’m 100% gay.’

‘Wow, that must’ve been a sad day for her,’ Mickey muttered. ‘Anyway, can we stop talking about it?’

‘Uh huh,’ Ian grinned. ‘Just don’t expect me to completely forget. You did _technically_ cheat on me.’

Mickey flipped him off and twirled pasta around his fork. ‘Fuck you.’

Ian winked at him and murmured, ‘Later.’

**Author's Note:**

> so i'm [here](http://im-not-his-keeper.tumblr.com/) on tumblr if u wanna come see me.


End file.
